(…which career politicos probably won’t like because of the way we’re defining them now)

We came up with a number of definitions some years ago to clarify the various “isms’ folks often argue about, that is, their comparative merits, pros, cons, etc. This is especially true whenever an elections cycle is in progress, when all those candidates for office start yapping about who supports which one…or not. But since most of the time their arguments about these are couched in opaque terms which are very difficult for us non-experts to understand, we decided it was time once again to give you updated definitions of all those “isms” we hear about…which career politicos probably won’t like because of the way we’re defining them now. Here are these updated definitions:                                                                                                      

1) Marxism – You’ll damn well get only what we think you deserve.

 2) Communism – Whatever you have, we’ll decide how much you can keep, and we’ll take the rest.

3) Socialism – Is simply Communism in drag, with the idea being that whatever you have, others must have their share of it.

4) Capitalism – I’ve got mine, Mac, so go get your own, and, if you want to chew on my tobacco…bring your own damned spittoon!

5) Authoritarianism – Everything that isn’t forbidden…is strictly compulsory.

6) Totalitarianism – Whatever we say goes, so believe it…or else!

7) Fascism – The state is us…so don’t even think about bitching about it.

8) Autocracy – Rule by a dumb-ass-know-it-all convinced he’ll never grab the wrong end of the stick.

9) Democracy – Rule by the people, even if they don’t know how, and have to argue a lot about how to do it.

10) Monarchy – Rule by a family of inbred schizophrenics by which only relatives and in-laws get most of the goodies.

11) Oligarchy – Rule by a cartel of fat cats who got that way by hook and by crook.

12) Republic – Rule by agents chosen by the people, because they’re too busy pursuing life, liberty, and happiness. Such agents are allowed to rule until the people get tired of having their sticky fingers in the national till…and vote to replace them with new ones.

13) Anarchy – Rule by nobody because everyone is hollering…we’ve got plenty of nothing so stop the world…we want to get off!

We hope this gives you a better understanding of what all these things mean. Meanwhile, as all those career politicos troll for your support…keep a tight grip on your wallets.